Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Bats Outta Hell!!

I received this email earlier today and I received permission from the writer (my cousin Kalah) to post it on my blog. Please feel free to laugh your ass off. :)

See, I don't like winged bitey critters. That normally is about bees and wasps, but it also includes bats. Bats are bigger and fly erratically and AT NIGHT when you can't SEE THEM. When bats are flying at night and I'm outside? That is my clue that it's time to move myself inside. When bats fly overhead, I cringe and duck. I hate bats. They totally give me the heebie-jeebies.

This evening, when I was walking from the kitchen heading back downstairs, I see this dark spot on the wall of the Dining Room (overhead, right before walking down into the Living Room). There weren't any lights on, so I reach over the dining room table to turn on the light (hitting my toe on the chair and swearing in the process). I start wondering to myself, "How did a frog get way in here?! Stupid thing, he's going to dry out up there."

I turn the light on and freeze. Hellooooo! That's a BAT! In the HOUSE. THERE'S A BAT IN THE HOUSE! How do I get it out? How am I supposedtocatchaBAT!? Enter Panic Mode.

I call my folks in AZ. No answer. I call my wonderful brother and tell him what the deal is. (He laughs.)

Alan: "Do you have thick leather gloves you can use?"
Me: "Yes?"
Alan: "Use those, maybe a glass jar...."
Me: "Ok, do you understand how much bats freak me out?!"
Alan: ~laughs~
Me: ~trying to breathe~
Alan: "Okay, how about a fishing net? You can net him."
Me, thinking to myself, 'That only gets me about 12" from the bat...'
Me: "That only gets me a foot away!"
Alan: "Ah, you REALLY don't like them... You can open up some sliders and get the bat flying around; his radar is probably freaking out and he just wants to get outside."
Me: "Um. Open the sliders? There are more bats out there!"

(I think this is the point where my dear brother realizes he's talking to a GIRL.)

But he does give me an idea. Tape a fishing net onto a pole. Bloody brilliant!

So that's what I head out to do when my Dad calls. They wanted to know if everything was okay (I unblocked the number when I called them, and I never remember to do that.) Dad also does the "Get a jar and put it over him, maybe use a piece of cardboard or paper to trap him in, an-"
"DAD! Bats! Freak! Me! Out! I am NOT getting that close to it!"
By this point, I locked Stella in my hall by closing the hall door. Just what I need, have the bat fall, Stella grab it, and end up with the bat having rabies. (We've had to have a bat tested before. German Shep and I were in quarantine until we found out the results.)
Dad: "Well, you know your side of the house is okay, so just leave him there."
Me: "I can't do that." (as my heart beats faster. A bat? In the house? Where it may move somewhere and I won't know WHERE IT IS?)
Dad: "You can always call Tom (neighbour), he'll come help you."
Me: "I think I have a plan, but I'll keep him for back-up."
So I get the fish net, pole (that the spiderweb getter is on), and duct tape, and start taping. I go upstairs. I really really wanted to put on a thick jacket with hood and my ski goggles to cover the only part of my face showing, and I had an image of fishing waders, and of course thick gloves, BUT I was brave, I snuck up on Bat (if being 10' away is sneaking up), I had to scrape him (with the metal part of the net) to get him into the net, then I took him through the living room out to the deck. (Me and one end of the pole on the inside of the slider, bat and fishing net side of the pole out the outside of the slider.) Shook him out, he hugged the deck, and there he sits.

I hate bats. This is the second time I've had a bat in the house (first time he was flying in circles in my room. I promptly shut the door and told Dad to go gettem! This was many, many years ago.). (I had an owl in the house at a place I was housesitting... when does something become a pattern?)

I think my hands have stopped shaking enough for me to paint my toes. Whew!
Bloody bats.


Ali and Ross said...

Too funny! I had a bat in may house once when I lived in P.ville & my mom held my cat, Henry, up above her head, chasing the bat, while Henry(excuse the pun) batted at him with his paws. He finally hit the sweet spot & the bat was out cold, just long enough to be scooped up & whisked outside! Remind me to tell you the story of when the possum (with her babies attached) wandered into my house! That's a good one too!

Cori said...

Oh my gosh, Tracy. That has to be the funniest story. I have never heard of bats in the house, bats in the belfry yes, and I have been accused of such!